Eleventy-hundred Reasons I feel Mom Guilt

14068.jpeg

Mom Guilt: That feeling you have on the regular that you could be doing more or better. The realization of responsibility and uncertainty that you are fulfilling your child’s needs. The crushing sense of uncertainty with many parenting decisions and then wanting to make a different/better decision the next time around…. The mom guilt definition could go on. Here is an EDITED list of reasons I feel mom guilt on the daily:

  • Not letting my child “settle himself” at 3am and getting up to nurse him because he will go to sleep faster
  • Letting my child cry-it-out so that he learns to settle himself
  • Nursing my baby on a schedule ( You need to feed on demand! )
  • Nursing on demand ( Your baby needs a routine! )
  • Not wanting to nurse at 11pm, 1am, 3am, and 5am ( Nurse your baby whenever he wakes, he needs comfort! )
  • Wanting to sleep (see above timeline )
  • Eating too much chocolate for the nursing baby’s tummy
  • Not getting my child up at 5am when he wakes [ You just let him lay in bed for an hour? ]
  • Not having enough structured play for my 2 yo [He is so smart, you should do more with him! ]
  • Having too much structured play/learning time for my 2yo [Kids learn best by free play!]
  • Not having “self-care” [You need to take care of yourself in order to take care of your kids]
  • Feeling selfish for taking time for “self-care” [ Bottles, pumping, toddler hanging off of you when you leave the house and crying as you go… it’s a lot of work to take time for yourself]
  • Feeding my toddler mac n’cheese for the 4th day in a row [ because, left overs ]
  • Too much fruit and not enough veggies [ but it’s all he will eat ]
  • Telling toddler they cannot have a sugary dessert [ Ice cream mommy! ]
  • Not being flexible enough to allow toddler to have said sugary dessert
  • Being “too strict” with bed time [ between 6:30 and 7 in our house ]
  • Not being strict enough with bed time [ maybe we should be in bed at 6? ]
  • Being a stickler for the 4 month old’s routine and nap schedule [ up for an hour? time to start the nap time routine! ]
  • Worrying about the 4 month old’s naps because he is only 4 months old [ You should go do things while you can! ]
  • Not sticking to the 1 hour rule for the 4 month old and then suffering the consequences [ over tired, very upset baby at nap time ]
  • Not giving the 4 month old solids [ You know you can start him on solids now, right? ]
  • Thinking about starting 4 month old on solids [ You know that he can be exclusively breast-fed until 6 months, right? ]
  • Pushing through and nursing for a full year [ You can always just give him formula and he will sleep more ]
  • Having to supplement formula [ Your body can produce enough milk for your baby! ]
  • Not getting the toddler outside daily
  • Getting toddler outside, but not putting sun screen on [ oops ]
  • The fact that baby cannot nap because toddler needs to get outside [ He does not nap in the stroller anymore – we discovered this while in the stroller ]
  • Not playing with toddler because baby needs to nurse [ Come on Mommy! ]

wp-1487597300559.jpg

  • Sitting the toddler in front of the TV so that I can put the baby down for a nap for the 4th time that day { Daniel Tiger! }
  • Letting toddler continue to watch TV after baby is in bed because I just want to sit on the couch { Annnndddd mommy closes her eyes…just for a minute…}
  • Having a completely “tech free” day, but then realizing that the toddler actually learns something from Sesame Street { 1, 2, 3, 4, 5! Mommy 5! The count, 5! }
  • Not wearing the baby enough (He won’t feel loved and attached!)
  • Baby-wearing too much [He will never be independent! He won’t be able to sleep on his own!)
  • Not using cloth diapers….then reading that cloth diapers use more water so then it’s okay….but then reading that disposable diapers take 20 years to degrade in the land fill….the cycle starts again
  • The toddler only got 9 hours of sleep last night! { shouldn’t it be 12? }
  • Worrying every day about how much sleep each child is getting { just relax! they will be fine! }
  • Not being a “fun mom” and playing games
  • Playing games and having fun when I should be holding the baby or doing laundry
  • Doing laundry and chores instead of playing games
  • Crap, forgot to change the toddler’s diaper before nap time… did I change the baby’s diaper? Wait, when did the baby eat last?…. Now feeling guilty because I can’t keep either child’s schedule straight
  • Going back to work [ I just love being home with my kids! But isn’t that a waste of your Master’s degree? ]
  • Not wanting to stay home with the kids [ Are you just dreading going back to work? Umm… only sometimes. ]
  • Taking time to work out [ I can have it all! ]
  • Not taking time to work out [ Oh M geeeee I just want a nap ]
  • Putting the kids to bed early because I JUST CAN’T anymore

Mamas – why do we put ourselves through this? We are all trying to do our best! This self talk needs to change. We are doing the best and hardest work! We need to give ourselves a break.  As moms, we have the weight of responsibility and it’s easy to let that stress take over and not enjoy the little moments of motherhood.

14069.jpeg

I am so thankful that every day is a fresh start. If I don’t like the way something went yesterday, I can change it today. If I tried a new parenting technique and it doesn’t work for our family, I can try something different the next time around. It’s a learning process and we all have the same goals in mind: creating a healthy home environment for our families to thrive in. That looks different for different people, but I think we can all agree that we want the best for our kids. If we all have the same goal, we can focus on supporting each other and not worrying about what we are [ or aren’t ] doing.

I’m GREAT at Religion [but I’m a struggling Christ follower]

wp-1485277633012.png

Here are some facts about me:

I am efficient. I strive to do things better and faster and have no patience for anything else.

I am a rule follower. Give me guidelines and I will operate within them, strictly following each letter of the law.

I am a high achiever. I believe I can always do better, achieve more, and succeed no matter the obstacle in front of me.

I am very independent. If I see something that needs to be done, I do it; I handle it and take responsibility.

These traits naturally lend to being REALLY good at Religion – the rule following especially. Religion, at its very basic level, is a set of rules and guidelines that one must follow in order to go to Heaven. If you follow these rules and do the right things you get to go up when you die. If you don’t, you go down. So, as a rule following, efficient, strive-to-do-your-best, independent person, Religion is my jam.  The 10 Commandments? Yep, I can follow those. Trying to be the best person I can be all the time? I have been trying to do that since I can remember. Doing the right thing because God says I should? I strive to do that too. Tithe 10%? Okay, it’s in the Bible, I can follow that rule. I can see sin in others and I can tell you what the Bible says about it. On and on with the rules. I will try to achieve them all. I will do my best. I will…. I….

Did you notice how many times “I” came up? I am good at Religion, but I am struggling as a Christian. Why? Because ultimately, I am trying to earn God’s grace and acceptance. Instead of going to God first and seeking His will, His grace, and His mercy, I take control and try to make peace with God. That is Religion, when WE try to make peace with God. I naturally fall into the religion category. In fact, go ahead and call me a Pharisee.

The Pharisees were the religious elite of Jesus’ day. They knew the Old Testament books and teachings inside and out. They knew every. single. thing. they should do and say. They could follow all the rules and they challenged Jesus often based on their understanding of the Old Testament. The Pharisees were supposed to be the example of God’s love and covenant with the Jewish people. They were to help Jewish people perform sacrifices and answer their questions so that everyone could be right with the Lord. However, they soon became a ruling class. A group of people so caught up in the rules and regulations of the law that they missed the whole point of the Scriptures and also missed the fact that Jesus is Messiah.

Lately, I have seen myself fitting more into the Pharisee category than the Jesus category. I want to follow a set of rules. I want to clean myself up before I approach the throne. I want my works and my actions to bring me the peace that God offers. I judge others based on outward decisions. And then I feel like a complete failure when I am not enough and I can’t do enough to be where I want to be with Jesus.

Jesus criticized the Pharisees often. In Matthew 23 verses 3 and 4, Jesus says this, “So practice and obey whatever they tell you, but don’t follow their example. For they don’t practice what they teach. They crush people with unbearable religious demands and never lift a finger to ease the burden.”  How often I do this to myself and others. Do I practice what I teach? Do I put into action the teachings of the Bible and the words of Christ? Sadly, I often do not.

The truth is friends, I can NEVER do enough to feel at peace with God. The only way to be at peace with God is through relationship with Him. Changing my behavior will only work for so long before I burn out or make a major mistake. Truthfully. the only thing that can bring me the peace I so desire is communion with Jesus. But because of my innate gifts (which by the way God created in me, why couldn’t he have made this easier?) this is very difficult for me to do.

Are you here, too? Maybe you have been trying to be good your whole life and just can’t measure up. Maybe you DO follow all the rules but STILL don’t have peace. Perhaps you are the good religious person, but find you lack grace for others and yourself.

I think most of us have it backwards. Instead of us striving to be right with God, we should be surrendering to God and allowing His peace to wash over us.  Instead of trying to do good works, we should be asking to be filled with the Holy Spirit so we can participate in the larger plan that God has. Instead of worrying about what to do and say, we should look to the example of Jesus and seek to honor him in our thoughts, words, and actions.

Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still and know that I am God” (NIV) another translations says “Let go of your concerns! Then you will know that I am God” (GW). Yet another translation says “Cease your striving and know that I am God” (New American Standard).

I want to honor God in all I do, but I need to let go of my need for control and my desire for clearly laid out rules and instead seek to find God first. I need Jesus to be the Lord of my life in order to enjoy the fullness of life that has been offered to me. I am still figuring out how to do this, but I think it all starts with a simple statement:

Cease striving.